Fame, clearly isn't everything
by Merlyn
Summary: [CoS] Gilderoy Lockhart is annoying, Severus Snape is getting irritated a lethal combination. Unseen events that took place in The Chamber of Secrets. Rating for strong language and a slightly adult conversation. Title has nothing to do with P. Stone!


**TITLE:** Fame, clearly isn't everything.  
**GENRE: **General humour.  
**RATING: **PG-13 – for some strong language, and slightly adult conversations.  
**UPDATE: **12th November 2006. Heh, I was bored. Oh... and something I _should _clear up – the title **doesn't** refer to Snape's opening speech in HP: PS  
**DEDICATION: **To Joan Williams. Loving grandmother and all round good egg – gonna miss you, gran. Sorry I never did get enough money to take you to see a musical in London. Sleep well - I'll never forget you.

Fame, clearly isn't everything.

"So, Severus I expect that a handsome young man such as yourself has the girls crawling to grab a hold." Gilderoy Lockhart said with a sickening smile. He was leaning casually against the desk where Snape was making himself a cup of tea. It was exactly one week before the students arrived back from their no-doubt luxurious summer holidays.

"Nope." Snape replied stirring his tea.

"Really? I have written a book on the subject of self-improvement. If you like I could lend you a copy and even help you with some the tips. I can assure you that 'Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Self-improvement' will guarantee you astounding success with the women." He smiled again.

"Sounds delightful." Snape commented picking up his cup. "Only one snag."

"Oh?"

"I'm gay." Snape smiled at the suddenly stunned look on Lockhart's face. He picked up his cup and walked over to a vacant chair. A few of the other staff members had amused looks on their faces.

There was a quite a wonderful few moments of silence before Lockhart piped up again. "Well I can hardly blame you, my dear boy!" He laughed good-heartily. "With men like me around, who can blame you? Don't worry, Severus I won't breathe a word of your crush on myself." With that Lockhart sauntered out the staff room.

A few moments after he had left the assembled staff burst into laughter. "Don't worry, Sev, I am sure we can arrange a few moments of privacy between you and Gilderoy." Professor Sprout said with a mock seriousness.

"Oh grow up!" Snape snapped back, turning a slight shade of pink.

Madame Hooch lent over and ruffled his hair; "aw, did we embarrass you?"

"When you are done torturing Severus, mind if I borrow him?" Albus Dumbledore said from the doorway with an amused look on his face

McGonagall grinned slightly, "no we aren't done torturing him. But we'll loan him to you."

"Why, Minerva, thank you for generosity." Dumbledore grinned back; "I assure you that I will return him in one piece ready for more torturing."

* * *

"You can _not _be serious!" Severus Snape gasped.

"I am being most serious." Professor Albus Dumbledore replied looking over the top of his glasses at his potion's master.

"But… but… the man is a complete _imbecile_!"

"I am aware of how you feel, but under the circumstances I feel that you are the most experience man at dealing with…"

"Egoistic little dicks?" Snape finished helpfully.

"I was going to say dealing with men of his calibre."

"Exactly."

Dumbledore cleared his throat slightly; "Severus you will be doing us all a great favour."

"But Gilderoy Lockhart is _the _most annoying man on the planet! And if your final aim is Lockhart's death, then yes I am your man, but I would rather dance around naked and declare my homosexuality to the world than spend time with that little…" Snape struggled to find a suitable adjective, "than that little prick." He finally settled for.

"It's only for one week…." Dumbledore said mildly.

Snape saw that he wasn't going to win; "damn you, Albus…" He commented.

* * *

"Ah, there you are Severus!" Gilderoy Lockhart said with a sickeningly joyous manner as he bounded up wearing the most hideous colour of pink robes and a grin to make the Cheshire cat proud.

"Lockhart." Snape managed to reply through clenched teeth.

"Isn't it wonderful that you are finally going to see a potions expert at work? Don't you think it will benefit your younger classes? Why in a few years you'll be able to say 'I worked with Gilderoy Lockhart!' and you never know, you might learn something!" He gave Snape a friendly slap on the back.

"That I have no doubt of." Snape again replied through clenched teeth.

Lockhart suddenly gave a slight gasp of joy. "Let's get together in my office after dinner and we can discuss ways to incorporate my potions skills with your limited knowledge."

"Oh goody…" Snape said sarcastically.

"I _knew _that you would love the idea, Sev!"

"Don't call me 'Sev'." Snape snapped grumpily.

* * *

The staff looked up from whatever work they were engaged in as Severus Snape burst into the room looking dishevelled and bleeding from a slight cut above his eyebrow. "That man is going to be the death of me!"

"Oh dear… what did he do this time?" McGonagall asked, sounding only mildly interested.

Snape grunted; "what didn't he do?" Painfully he forced himself to walk across the room to a vacant armchair. "Twelve explosions and term hasn't even bloody started!"

* * *

Six months into the new school term at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry everyone more or less had exactly the same comments about Gilderoy Lockhart. Several occasions of Lockhart fleeing in terror from the potion lab as he sufficiently ticked Severus Snape off enough to make him almost murderous had forced Albus Dumbledore to agree that asking Severus to allow Lockhart to 'observe' his lessons had been a dangerous and ludicrous idea.

Thankfully during the very painful five months that Snape was forced to have Lockhart present in his first year Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw potions class, neither Snape nor Lockhart had sustained any life threatening injuries and Filch was no longer refusing to go near the potions lab after the said lessons.

"Severus…" Lockhart said in a tone one afternoon that made the hairs on the back of Snape's neck stand on end.

"What do you want?" He snapped back.

"I was wondering if I could ask a favour…"

"Piss off."

"Please, Severus, hear me out."

Snape looked up from his paperwork; "if I listen to what you have to say will you clear off and let me get on with my work?"

"Er…yes." Lockhart replied.

"Good." Snape leaned back in his chair; "what do you want?"

Lockhart took a deep breath; "I was possibly wondering if I could borrow your hedgehog."

"You want to borrow _Petrus_?" Snape said in surprise.

"Yes, for my first year class."

"And what in Christ's name does a hedgehog have to do with Defence against the Dark Arts?"

"I wish to borrow him for a simple demonstration. I promise he won't get hurt, and that I will return him within three hours."

Snape thought for a moment. He looked over to the cat-basket in a dark corner of his office and watched his beloved pet hedgehog, Petrus, snuffle about comfortably. He didn't really want to subject Petrus to Lockhart's cowboy branch of wizardry, but then again by loaning Petrus he could get rid of Lockhart for a very long time.

"All right, Lockhart. Providing that you leave me a lone for the rest of the year." Snape agreed. Petrus looked up slightly alarmed and started to shuffle further into his dark corner.

* * *

"Ah, Lockhart, just the person I wanted." Snape said with a false smile as Professor Gilderoy Lockhart attempted to sneak into the staff-room unnoticed.

"Severus, my friend, didn't see you there." Lockhart replied cautiously.

"Of course… Where's my hedgehog?"

"Your hedgehog?"

Snape lost his false smile, "you know damn well what I mean. Your three hours are up, hand him over."

Nervously, Lockhart placed his hand in his pocket and brought out a small, stone hedgehog; Snape stared at the object. "I can explain…" Lockhart set the hedgehog down on the coffee table.

"You'd better be able to do a damn sight more than that, Lockhart."

"Well, you see… er… I didn't quite bank on… the students being, well…. Er…" Lockhart ran out of excuses with a stutter, Snape just continued to stare at him. "Well, look on the bright side, Severus, you won't have to…er… feed him… or…" He tried to continue awkwardly, but once again stuttered into silence. "Well… I should be going, class to prepare for and all." With that, Lockhart quickly made his exit, leaving Severus Snape to stare at the small stone hedgehog sitting quite happily on the coffee table.

Snape looked up, amusement playing in the corner of his usually still eyes. Dumbledore caught the look and smiled back at him. "Well, it seems Gilderoy has solved the problem you were having with space _and _money."

"Indeed…"

"Want me to turn him back, or do you wish Petrus to remain in his current state?"

"Turn him back… Then kindly turn Lockhart into a small, stationary object…."

* * *

That evening, Lockhart announced that he had a 'hot date' with an old girlfriend. He strutted round the staff room wearing tight leather trousers and a hideous pink ruffled shirt.

"What do you think?" He asked.

"Have you got socks stuffed down your pants?" Snape asked curiously. Several people laughed.

"No…" Lockhart turned slightly pink; "why?"

"Oh, no reason." Snape replied.

Lockhart looked down at himself and instantly grinned; "ah, well I make no apologise for my large size. I must admit that it is perhaps one of my most favourite physical attributes." He flashed them a dazzling smile.

Snape regarded Lockhart for a moment; "are you _quite _sure you haven't got socks stuffed down your boxers or whatever you wear underneath."

Lockhart blushed deep crimson. "I am _quite _sure!" He squeaked. "Anyway, I'm not wearing any underwear."

Snape blinked, "that was a little more than I needed to know." He replied.

* * *

Times at Hogwarts took a turn for the worst. Something was attacking the muggle born students. No one knew what it was or why it was doing it; rumours of the mysterious Chamber of Secrets built by Slazar Slytherin started to circulate. It wasn't long before teachers, prefects and ghosts were patrolling the corridors trying to capture whomever, or whatever was carrying out the unprovoked attacks.

Severus Snape stood alone in a long dark cold corridor. He looked at his watch and saw that it was only a quarter to nine. He shivered and hummed to himself to take his mind off whatever could be lurking in the dark corners. He didn't spook easily but he was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as the minutes ticked by.

His hearing enhanced by the silence he began to get jumpy at each and every creak of a floorboard. Once he thought he heard footsteps coming up behind him; when he had turned to look, there was no one there and the only sound was the sound of himself sneezing rather loudly. "Damned dust." He muttered.

The time ticked over and his feet began to complain. He looked at his watch again; almost midnight. He stamped his feet to try and wake them up, wishing that he could be sound asleep in his warm bed rather than standing alone, in a dark corridor.

Suddenly the creak of a floorboard to his right sent his nerves on edge again. Slowly he pulled out his wand, and waited to see if anyone stepped round the corner. He stood there, waiting in silence. His breathing roaring like trains in his ears…

"ARGH!" Snape screamed and spun round brandishing his wand. It took him a few moments to realise who it was that had tapped him on the shoulder. Standing directly in front of him was the grinning face of Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Sorry." Lockhart said with a grin.

"Lockhart you BASTARD!" Snape spat, his hands shaking. "You could have given me a heart attack, you FUCKING idiot! You scared the living daylights out of me!" Lockhart giggled slightly. "It isn't funny!"

"Severus!" McGonagall and Dumbledore both arrived out of breath on the scene. "Is everything all right?"

"Oh yes, everything is fine – apart from the fact this idiot just tried to kill me!" Snape shouted sarcastically.

"As long as no one is hurt." Dumbledore said calmly.

"Hurt! He nearly gave me a fucking coronary!"

"Severus, please _watch your language_." Dumbledore cautioned. "Now, will one of you please explain what is going on?"

"This… this imbecile sneaked up on me!" Snape spat.

"Hardly." Lockhart retorted, "I simply tapped you on the shoulder."

"You scared me half to death!"

"Severus, Gilderoy." Dumbledore snapped at them. "Minerva would you please get Severus a glass of brandy; Gilderoy come with me, I think we need a word…"

Before Snape left with McGonagall he turned to Lockhart; "I swear, that if you so much as breathe ONE word about this, you're dead. Do you understand?"

"Pe…perfectly." Lockhart stammered.

* * *

One week later, Lockhart had been true to his word and had not said a thing about his surprise attack on the fearsome potion's master, Severus Snape. Good thing as well, since Snape was being deadly serious in his threat to Lockhart.

"Severus, I need to have a little chat with you." Minerva McGonagall said as she and Snape walked down the corridor together.

"What have the little buggers done now?" He asked.

"It's complicated."

He shrugged; "I'll be with you in a moment, just got to go to the bathroom."

"All right."

Snape pushed open the door to the male staff bathroom. He entered and was almost immediately confronted by a stark naked Lockhart. "Severus!" Lockhart gasped, grabbing a nearby towel.

Snape's eyes lingered for a moment below Lockhart's waste line. "Well, it's the little things in life that count." He said with a grin.

"Severus, please, I'm asking you not to tell anyone." Lockhart pleaded.

Snape's grin broke into a soft smile; "relax. I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you." Lockhart said softly.

* * *

The warm weather arrived at Hogwarts with a bang. It wasn't long before everyone was out enjoying the warm weather. No one had high hopes of the weather staying warm, and so everyone was taking advantage of the sunshine.

Madame Hooch sat on the grass under the shade of an old oak tree. She was watching some young first year Hufflepuff's throwing a muggle football between them, no doubt pretending that it was a Quaffle. She smiled.

"Strange how each house seems to have a speciality position." Snape commented as he sat down next to her. "The Gryffindor's usually produced good seekers, The Hufflepuff's – outstanding chasers; The Slytherin's – brutal beaters and the Ravenclaws superb keepers."

"Yep, that's true enough." Madame Hooch replied.

Snape rubbed the back of his neck; "I'm dying for a cigarette."

"Here." Hooch offered him one out of her packet. Madame Hooch had to be the heaviest smoker on the staff. Whereas Severus Snape usually smoked about ten a day, Madame Hooch was a chain smoker and smoked up to thirty a day. It always amazed Snape, considering that Madame Hooch was an ex-international Quidditch player.

"Thanks." He took one, and lit it.

"You know smoking is a terrible habit." Came Gilderoy Lockhart's irritating voice. Snape looked up to see a large mass of blonde hair and green robes walking in his direction.

"I know." Snape sighed.

"As a matter of fact," Lockhart continued; "I have written a book on how to give up habits. I've written a good section on how to quit smoking. If you like I could give you an autographed copy…"

"No thanks." Snape said hurriedly getting to his feet. "Right now I have to go mark some potion's homework."

"And… and I have to go tend to my broomsticks." Hooch said getting quickly to her feet.

* * *

Later that week, Lockhart continued to get on people's nerves. He had bothered Professor McGonagall to the point where she said that if he came near her again he would transfigure his manhood into a snail; needless to say Lockhart kept well away. He seemed to have taken to Snape and no amount of threats could get rid of the little bugger. He always seemed to be where Snape was.

"Ah! Severus, there you are I was wondering if…" Lockhart said as he bounded into the staff room.

Snape had, had enough of his annoying antics, and almost immediately Lockhart had opened his mouth, Snape punched him. He fell to the floor with a loud thud. Someone sniggered and Snape gingerly rubbed his hand. No one so much as batted an eyelid.

Professor McGonagall looked accusingly over her newspaper. "What?" Snape asked seeing her look. She shook her head and went back to her newspaper.

"Severus…" Dumbledore said with a disapproving look on his face, but with an amused twinkle in his eye.

"Sorry." Snape grinned meekly.


End file.
